Here I am procrastinating the whole thing.
*PROCRASTINATING QUEEN entered the room.*
Almost giving up.
Because see? I told you that you are not consistent…
It’s not perfect anymore…
You missed a day.
You are not to be trusted.
You broke your own rules…
The cycle Julissa… How do I stop this pattern?
It goes like this:
I have an idea.
The inspiration to start right away.
And if I do… everything it’s ok.
But the thing that happens most of the time is:
I say I’ll do it later.
Not now… I have to finish/do/this first.
And that is the start of the damn cycle.
I have lost momentum.
I disconnected myself from the channel.
I already feel angry because I’m telling myself I can’t do what I want now.
And the thing is still present in the background.
Like an app that I haven’t closed, and it’s draining the f battery of my phone.
So, as time passes, the anger increases, and the energy decreases.
And suddenly, the idea doesn’t look so good anymore.
I need to do research first.
This is where things get complicated (when they shouldn’t).
Is this part, another cycle inside the cycle?
*Enter the rabbit hole*
This is a bad idea… why?
Because I’m not researching to know more, to get facts… (sometimes)
I’m researching because I’m doubting myself.
I haven’t started and I’m already discarding myself.
And the thing with staying too much in this stage.
That I do, (maybe it’s ADHD, maybe it’s my 1/3 profile, or/and that my Venus is in Gemini or a really bad habit/coping mechanism…)
Staying too much here brings comparison.
And I keep collecting evidence of how bad of an idea it was…
At least the thought that I could make it happen.
Or even should try to.
How ridiculous…
By this point, I’m not researching anymore.
Energy levels are getting below 0 scale.
What was the thing I wanted to make again?
I forgot.
I haven’t done it.
I got distracted and I didn’t finish what I had to do either…
You see? You can’t even do this…
I feel bad.
Inadequate.
Worthless.
Did I break the thing by coming back today?
I had an idea yesterday,
but instead of writing,
I entered the cycle…
And today it was going to be the same thing,
“I have to write what I didn’t yesterday…”
I don’t know why my mind creates so many arbitrary rules
But I want to have this or look up this…
I’m tired and sleepy, I can’t do it now…
I won’t show up today, again.
Shit, what is more important?
Writing that thing or writing A thing?
What was the point of all of this?
Did you already forget?
*Opens up the computer*
Let’s break the damn cycle.
*Starts typing without knowing how to…*
It feels good to show up.
It feels good to honor your word.
It feels good to prove to yourself that you HAVE CHANGED.
Because even though the cycle is repeating itself.
even though it wants to stay…
You are noticing.
You are doing something different.
And every time you notice earlier…
I can’t wait for the moment it isn’t even here.
People won’t believe it was ever here.
I’m proclaiming myself the COMEBACK QUEEN.
*Comeback queen stands up from the floor.*
006/100
