Ok, es el segundo día y ya estoy viendo jodona la vaina…
¿Será que me he embarcado en una misión verdaderamente imposible?
Me da rabia, porque siento que mi mente SIEMPRE esta llena de vainas, a toda velocidad, que no me da respiro y justo cuando me siento a escribir entonces dique que estoy en blanco, WTF is that?
¿Será verdad que todos los pensamientos son basura entonces?
Pero ya que estamos aquí…
¿Qué pasa si nadie lee? ¿Si nadie es testigo de tu esfuerzo? ¿Si nadie te alaba, te piropea?
¿Te rendirías?
I’ve been thinking about this… I chose this medium, in a place where no one is looking… Would I be able to stand it?
I’m a Leo woman, I want to be liked, admired… it’s almost like I NEED to be liked! I know this is not a realistic expectation… But I have it nonetheless. This is why I like Instagram so much, I love the instant gratification of someone liking something I publish. UGH, this is the problem of this whole generation and here I am admitting that I have it too. But what can I say? I can’t lie and tell you that when nobody seems to like what I’ve shared it makes me sad, rejected, wrong somehow, I don’t know how to describe it. It hurts even more when I’ve spent time behind it! Like, seriously? AM I ALONE? AM I SPEAKING TO A VOID? IS SOMEONE OUT THERE LIKE ME?
It doesn’t make sense… None of that means that, and still… Sometimes.
So, doing this… for myself?
It’s not like I’m posting for others on Instagram hahaha I do like the appreciation and approval… it does my ego wonders… but I always want to create what I want. I’m selfish that way. So, I do create for myself.
I don’t know what I’m saying anymore…
My question is… From where will I find the energy? the pull? and the motivation to keep showing up if no one comes?
From wherever I always get inspired, yes… Source? God? My insatiable mind?
Maybe I should pray to God, to let me stay open, to let me be a channel from where he can translate something… Meaningful.
My only job is to keep the channel open like Martha Graham says.
How does one open the channel?
If we need to keep it open we need first to open it.
Shit.
Has my channel been open before? When? How do I know?
These are good questions that you could also answer for yourself 😛
I know the channel was open when I was a teenager and my way to process all my angst (because I’m from a generation that doesn’t know how to name and identify feelings…) was through writing on my blog, anonymously of course.
I know the channel was open when I used to write fan fictions about Harry Potter because I couldn’t wait for the next book to drop.
I know the channel was open every New Year’s Eve when I had to step out of the party and write a message to read to my whole family before the New Year.
I know the channel was open when I organized a whole event of dancing, acting, and modeling with all my little cousins, directed and presented in a day.
I know the channel is open every time I’m in the shower washing my hair xD
But to answer the original question… if no one comes, if no one claps, if no one likes it, if no one sees it…
Yes, I will still do it.
And I will just imagine this as a message in a bottle… that got lost at sea, but then someday, someone finds it… and reads the message.
The message is received, the message is found.
The message arrived where it needed to arrive, and it wouldn’t if it’s not written if it’s not shared…
All with love.
I hope this message finds you well. And even if no one is seeing you, praising you, witnessing you right now… You are seeing YOU, praise yourself, witness yourself, and do whatever makes you like yourself a little bit more.
Because the inkling of doing it, whatever it is, came from somewhere… Maybe through the channel 😛
Is it open?
002/100
