I’ve been having all these kinds of ideas lately… to share more openly.
What’s my journey been like? What did I learn doing this or that?
And it led me to think, why haven’t I shared this before?
Because they weren’t “successes”. UGH. They don’t make me look good. That’s why I haven’t shared them…
And then I thought, this is why you are not liking creating content… it’s too pretty, too surface-label, too perfect. And things aren’t perfect.
It’s hard though. It’s not like I’m faking what I’m sharing. I’m polishing it, editing it, curating it… Like “it’s expected to”.
In the back of my mind it’s the thought that if I share the real mess behind the scenes, no one would hire me.
And I’m reminded of that time… A client/friend told me… someone asked her: why do you work with her? she’s always pivoting… and she answered: that’s the reason, I’ve loved all her pivots and I think it’s really brave to change and go for the things you want.
My heart is melting a little remembering that thought. I wish I could tattoo it on my eyes lids.
And that is what brought me to the 1/3 experience and the trial and error. I know this, and I still forget, and still judge myself, and I still want things to go right the first time I do them!
When what I need is to surrender to the experience of it all. Having the experience it’s the success, not it going right.
I used to tell my friends which movies to watch and which to pass… Because I’d seen them all first, and I knew their tastes… I was saving them time. (Notice that I said friends, I won’t assume that my taste was the best taste for everyone)… but you get what I mean. Or what I mean is… it’s like that, having a 1/3 profile. You do things first and then you tell people about it so you can save them time, money, energy and pain.
The thing is, that as I grew older, the less inclined I’ve felt about sharing all the experiences… another thing you tried and didn’t stick? and didn’t go well?
One time I bought a course for $800 (it was a LOT for me at that moment)… to discover later that I didn’t want to do that. What now? Did I waste the money? Should I just try it out because I’ve already invested in this thing?
The pain of being a 1/3 it’s that you spend so much time and energy researching, studying, and being curious about that thing! And when you FINALLY get to the point where you feel good about the foundations that you’ve got… you do the thing. You even do the thing well, but then, you don’t want to do it anymore. It’s just not how you imagined… or maybe it’s wrong.
Maybe I need to see if I’m getting into all of these experiences in alignment with my authority. Some of them I know that have been wrong and I bypassed the feeling… but for those that were right… and the thing is that my soul is taking me into these wild journeys of getting things wrong to teach me some lessons…
I get tired sometimes, I want to have things go right, not just the meanings I’m making in my head. I want to be seen not a mess. Although maybe some people don’t see me as a mess and it’s all in my head.
If I’m meant to have all these amazing experiences to try and to test and to let go… why am I so invested in having ONE thing? Or in excellence? Or in discipline? Why do I want so much of what I know will bring me pain?
Anyways… I’ve been thinking a lot about sharing the “failures”. This challenge is one try at that, and one failure at that too.
But I haven’t given up yet.
I guess I stopped, for a while I thought that I would stop for good. I was judging my writing. I was saying to myself, but it doesn’t make sense, you are writing a public journal, a whiny journal at that… what’s the point?
I think that not doing the morning pages made this exercise feel like the morning pages… a DUMP of garbage thoughts… and that it didn’t make me look good.
Here it is again, the looking good part, I guess I need to see what that is… why do I care so much? And funny enough my ego thinks she doesn’t care that much, she thinks she’s different than others that way. I guess not as much as she thinks.
Anyway, I’ve been judging my writing when the whole point was to write and learn about myself more with the writing. UH! Maybe it is that I don’t like what I’m learning… Or that I always knew?
Also: to not judge is one of the principles I teach my clients… to be compassionate with oneself.
I’m trying to. This is why I’m back. Trying again.
And with the whole 1/3 thing… After a while, there are some really good lessons that I shouldn’t keep to myself.
Let’s see.
