I remember (Part I)

I remember a time when I wasn’t so shy.
I remember when I used to lead my cousins when playing and making up the rules of the games so I could win.
I remember that time que mami me dio una pela con una vara de la mata de tamarindo… No me gusta el jugo de tamarindo.
I remember when papi yelled, he never does but when he does, I freeze.
I remember when I jumped over that bridge, I wanted to experience all of life.
I remember the first time I got on a plane to go on my first solo trip, so rebellious, I wanted to be alone at the same time I was so nervous because I hadn’t told anyone, and just before taking off, I texted my mom.
I remember kissing you.
I remember feeling always so inadequate, like I didn’t belong.
I remember watching the fireworks with you and you being excited because I was excited.
I remember being on the farthest coast of Portugal and feeling so lucky, seeing so much beauty, feeling overwhelmed by the world and so sad at the same time.
I remember making stories in my head of the people I see on the train… I imagine having conversations with them but I never say hi first.
I remember the whole day we spent in the desert, walking talking, getting to know each other, seeing the stars at night…
I remember feeling lost like I didn’t know or worse have somewhere to go…
I remember when I blocked my mom from all my social media accounts, and I remember when I unblocked her.
I remember when I recorded my first ever podcast episode, that didn’t see the light of day because I cursed so much… I also cursed a lot in the one that aired.
I remember the feeling of floating in the sea…
I remember my heart accelerating before jumping.
I remember the feeling of peace I had before my surgery, I remember waiting for the anxiousness that never came that day… I think all the prayers from my family worked.
I remember always thinking that I wasn’t going to do well… and then doing well (on exams, presentations, work meetings…)
I remember falling asleep on the floor en el Vaticano.
I remember random people I have met on my travels, and some days they come to my mind and I wonder how they are doing… do I come up to their minds too?
I remember feeling so much braver before.
I remember being so much more audacious now.
I remember when I used to write fan fiction when I was a teenager.
I remember that I knew to expect your call when I didn’t log in the day before.
I remember being such a good girl that I trembled if I spoke on the phone after my parents had gone to sleep.
I remember when I saw snow, and it wasn’t like I thought it would be.
I remember life being more exciting before.
I remember traveling with my little sister and loving sharing with her my knowledge of architecture history… and hating that we fought so much.
I remember wanting to be close with my siblings, but also that I don’t call or text them that much.
I remember that day you woke me up so sweetly that I didn’t wake up scared or annoyed ever.
I remember when I used to get so angry that I would say: my blood is boiling. I don’t feel that kind of anger anymore.
I remember being angry at my parents, but more so at myself.
I remember walking on the streets of Spain, not believing that was my life. Sometimes I still think it was a dream.