Today is supposed to be the day 5 of the challenge. But it’s day 1 for me because I started late… like so many other things in my life… I’m always late.
And I knew about the challenge before! Maybe this year it was that I discovered it too early, had a mental note and just forgot about it. That’s the excuse.
Being late, feeling behind… I hate this feeling. Because I know it doesn’t make sense. Late for what? Behind to whom? To the expectations of society? Because I chose to go against them so many moons ago that could not be the reason… To the expectations of myself? Maybe, I have always thought I’d be somewhere else by now… that I’ll be someone else by now… more grown up.
I feel like such a kid sometimes. This big old kid, who is…
Pataleando… de revoltosa, porque las cosas no están yendo como ella quiere.
My friend Chan, once asked me: what is grown up to you? UGH, I hate when she asks me those questions that I know if I answer them the existential dread would melt away… because there’s no reason… and still, I want to keep feeling frustrated apparently. I like the angst.
I don’t know… Have things figured out already? I told her… I feel too old to not know what I want to do with my life… Or to want to change AGAIN.
I know, I know I’m judging myself.
Maybe no one has things figured out. Maybe they seem like they know what they’re doing but they don’t, they just wake up and do them, sin hacer tanto show…
You see? They are acting like grown-ups! They are not here, winning about not knowing… about feelings and too many thoughts with too little action.
When I calm myself, those moments come, they are not so rare anymore… When I’m more present. I can see that I’m not behind at all… Because time as a linear thing doesn’t exist. This construct that we have built, this order of things that we should follow, they are all made up. I know this, still… I forget.
So remember: you are not late, you are just in time. Your time, right now, what you choose to do now it’s what matters. What you didn’t do, didn’t say, it doesn’t matter. You can choose differently, You can do differently, You can change your path entirely by taking one tiny step looking in another direction.
What direction are you looking?
What is it that you want to do? Now… not the rest of your life…
You can change your mind later.
001/100
